Looking at a Funeral

Two men stood on a beach talking.ocean

“You can’t just dump his body in the ocean.”

“That’s what he said he wanted.”

“But it’s his least favorite place. He’s not a water person.”

“So, what’re we gonna do, dump his body in the woods somewhere or on a mountainside?”


“And let the mountain lions chew him up.”

“No, we cremate him and scatter his ashes.

“But that’s going to cost money and he said not to spend any money on his funeral.”

“So, like he’s going to know.”

“He said to tie some cement bricks to his body and drop him about ten miles out in the ocean.”

“Isn’t there something illegal about that?”

“How should I know, that’s just what he said he wanted.”

“That makes no sense. He never went in the ocean, he can’t swim.”

“Like that should make a difference. Where’s he going to swim to?”

“Damn, you’re such an idiot. Can’t you be serious just once?”

“I am being serious. How about we cremate him and scatter his ashes out over the ocean.”

“But that’s going to cost what… five hundred, maybe a thousand bucks?”

“We can afford it.”

“That’s not what I mean. It’s not much.”

“Okay, so we get the best container money can buy.”

“There you go again.”

“There I go where? The man didn’t want anything special. He didn’t want a big elaborate funeral. He didn’t want a gravestone or a marker of any kind. He didn’t want anybody to go to any trouble. So, we do the least expensive thing, a legal thing and be done with it.”

“But what’s he going to say when he finds out?”

“So, who’s gonna tell him?”

“I mean, he’s probably listening someplace right now.”

“And I’ll bet he’s thinking, “’Do what you want, I’m dead what the hell do I care?’”

“Alright, alright, so we cremate him and scatter his ashes off the pier. So, who do we invite?”

The two men stood there staring at each other a moment. Then one of them threw his hands up in the air, mumbled something and walked away.

“Hey,” the other man shouted after him. “We weren’t finished.”



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